Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
