If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
