watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found puke in my bra..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
