meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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