are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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