My cat gives me a boner
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
