Sponge bath it is.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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