I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
