So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
