Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
