I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
