k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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