I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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