im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
