Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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