i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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