weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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