I skipped work to stalk him.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
