I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
