Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Text me some of your sweat
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