i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
