so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
