Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
