i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
