I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I could fuck to npr.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
