the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
