Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
