I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
