i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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