Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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