Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
