So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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