I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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