Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
