Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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