I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
