i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
