Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
