Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
