There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
