The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
