Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He did a backflip because drugs
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
