Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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