I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
