please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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