if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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