i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
