I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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