someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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