took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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