I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
