Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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