Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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