He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
