if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
