is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
