I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
