When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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