I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
