I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
