fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
